The Good Race.

I understand.

2008-10-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

It's my security. The only thing keeping me from diving into that ocean head first is my lack of security. It's so clear to me now. I've spent at least the last 6 weeks if not more trying to figure out whats kept me inside myself so long, pondering why there's such a storm in my heart over the way I perceive life. I guess it was only a matter of time. If you're truly committed to Christ, if you're truly driven to experience His love, you'll throw everything out of the way and change everything you can to make sure you experience it.

I've never been secure. All my life I've wondered who's going to take care of me. Whether or not I'll be seen or needed or cherished. To the point where my self worth was completely upside down. Such a mess. "How could I ever be worth something to anyone? If I don't make sure I'm taken care of, if I'm not capable of at least that, then I must be worthless." You can imagine what happened next, when I realized I actually couldn't. My world started falling apart and I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because there would be no one to give me an answer. No one to care enough to give me a way out. Who wants to listen to a failure? I knew at some level God would listen but I also put him on the same level as everyone else: to important to care or notice someone who was broken. He would leave me when it got to hard or when something better came along just like everyone else did. It was like I was under some kind of spell.

So I fought with God. There was a time I never thought it to be possible. His perfection kind of trumps His ability to be wrong or take blame. I always avoided allowing God to have my feelings of insecurity and frustration over our relationship because just like every other relationship I have been involved in I was afraid of rejection. It bottled up for years until finally after an overwhelmingly frustrating series of events I found myself asking God the unthinkable: Do you really love me? Or am I the only one in this relationship who actually cares?
Am I in love with someone who could never be or never was in love with me?

It honestly broke my heart into pieces. I realized at that moment how totally and completely in love with God I am, and how empty and pointless my entire life was without that love returned. If he didn't love me there wasn't any other reason to live. I know it sounds drastic, but earnestly I believe it's true. The love of God is so complete, so incredibly abundant and fulfilling that anything lacking the ability to bear the weight of it becomes completely useless to the eyes of eternity. Magnifying completely the scope of that great love.

Then I realized I fell under that weight. I was wanted. Complete and holy. Six years ago on a tiny basketball court down the street from my house I decided to embark on what I thought was the relentless pursuit of Christ. Turns out the entire time He was the one pursuing me. Through the pain and the masking, through my pathetic attempts to be adequate, to find worth on my own and be self sufficient, God brought me to the lowest place possible. It was then I knew of the great depths to which He went in order to redeem my heart. The cycle of insecurity was broken. I found myself finally whole and completely assured of Christ's love.

So began the deep six week long storm of pondering in my heart. Without anything holding me back, what am I really created to do? Now that I'm assured of the love I always questioned where do I fit into His will? The girl with quick jokes and false confidence could have never even dreamed of asking these questions in full faith of a great answer. However the girl with a renewed heart, a sound mind and a bold assurance knows there is no other way.

I dove into the ocean. I know how to swim and I don't think I'll ever have need for a shore.

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. Jeremiah 31:3

When your mind's made up.

2008-08-13T01:32:00.000-07:00

It's begun. The love I've been waiting for my whole life is before me. Like staring out over the immense and overwhelming sea. Everything is shockingly vivid. I feel like the condition of my heart is changing at a rapid pace. Daily it s stripped of anything materialistic or hindering. So rapidly in fact i'm hard pressed to remember what rest in it's most effective sense is supposed to feel like. It's almost maddening lying down to sleep at night, rolling the dice of hope in search of just 8 hours of unconscious refreshment. Even more maddening is my drive to continue. Despite all my own efforts in spoiling the acceptance of this love it continues to pierce my core and ask questions of my very existence at the most inconvienient times. Neither sleep nor work or even broken relationships keep this love from entering my core at an incalculable rate. "Hello" it says. "Do you trust me?"it presses. And yet for some reason, beyond all of my fleshly desire to settle, drive it out and search for something easier, I respond "i understand" and most commonly and what I think to be inconceivably inadaquate an answer for such a movement "yes". I feel like such a fool. What did I think this was going to be like? I'm the one that asked for this after all. It wasn't pushed upon me. I've tried to identify my unease as something like a bitterness or resentment out of being so familiar with such things but everytime I come to the point of actually applying these broken responses I relize how broken they really are. I'm actually enjoying this. At the very center of my thought I know that what i'm going through is nescessary. An absolutely nescessary chaos. Insane words like hope and faith which by all accounts are unworthy of a world like this fill my head. I'm happy to call there definitons home.

So this is love.

This radical transformation that is both breaking and saving my heart simultaniously is the reality of God in my life. In one picture I see the broken state of the world and the perfected beauty that died to save it. What's even more inconcievable? Where this image appears is not on a wall or screen. Not in a guarded museum or heavily excavated tomb. The only canvas it's fit for is the one I myself bear. The image He gave so that I may identify with His desire for my relationship and my requited love. If there is one thing I have learned about eternity thus far, it's that only can unending time will allow my small and mysteriously wanted heart the explaination for this lavish romance. What else is worthy of such a broken surrender?

A different sky.

2008-06-20T00:45:00.000-07:00

The sun is hot and high in the sky. The clouds are nowhere to be seen. For most things there is no protection from the oppression nature has to offer. Clear and destructive the sky haunts a heart ready to be cleansed by rain that seems to be such a foreign and absurd thought.The overexposure a perfect reminder of all that needs to be washed away. How long will it last O Lord, how long will our hearts swelter before your rain is brought to quench and heal? Again are we not so different from your sky?

Stars and Grass.

2008-04-29T02:12:00.000-07:00

So, I looked up a quote that caught my attention earlier this week, mainly because of it's wording. Turns out it's actually a piece of writing taken out of an essay by a man named Thomas Carlyle. The essay focuses on what he calls "hero worship." The quote itself is extending the idea that for centuries man has wondered on the earth constantly looking for something to worship and look up to as a guide, even at some point looking to the stars themselves for validation. It's interesting because what he says next (being the said quote) "To us also, through every star, through every blade of grass, is not God made visible if we will open our minds and our eyes" is beautiful though Christian eyes but absolutely tragic through his own. He fell away from his Calvinistic beliefs at a very young age due to legalism, and spent the rest of his life trying to logically explain away his faith and gift of vision for God's Holy things.

I feel as though there's an incredible weight and realization through his words about how thorough God is in His revelation to mankind. However, all Thomas ever saw was how it proved his own philosophical views about human nature, disproving as far as His mind saw, I'm sure, that there was ever a need for God in the first place. Through the eyes and light of Christ man's words are thankfully not his own, for through his own eternity is an impossibility. Very interesting.

Why should the fire die?

2008-04-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

I've asked myself this question ever since we were listening to a song last summer in Colorado by the same title.It's been working on my head ever since then, but only now do I feel like it makes enough sense to share.

Everyone has those mountaintop experiences. However, I feel like that term slightly belittles what actually occurrs. Mountain tops are great. After a long journey pushing though the rugged terrain of everyday life and battling its ups and downs, you feel beaten and sore and tired. But once you reach that top where everything makes sense and all that hard work is in it's rightful place you gain a different perspective.

So we build a fire. Right on top of that mountain we build a fire. It burns in recognition of everything we hope to be because of what we've already been through. It symbolizes how we can work harder, and think deeper, and live better. It's almost a resentment. We're tired of living off our own strength and playing by everyone else's rules. We desire something more familiar. For a while in fact this kind of fire succeeds in what it's built for.To burn off and get rid of everything we dislike about ourselves so that something better can take the place of those unpleasant things. But where does all that fuel come from? Eventually all those resolutions and promises lose their ability to burn, and sometimes in hindsight they seem like fruitless ideas to begin with.

So what if our fire wasn't resolutions, but instead sacrifices? What if instead of building a flame out of all the things we've accumulated and worry about, and try to control, or cover up, we threw everything down as kindling, and started over. And then what if we continued to fuel it with not our own selfish ambition, pride or knowledge, but with the surpassing greatness of Christ? The power of His resurrection, knowledge that goes beyond understanding, the treasure of His inheritance? The light we cast and the heat we would radiate would do no more than glorify God: which is everything we're created to do.

That fire wouldn't die. In fact that fire has been around since the beginning of time. It's been calling us to hand over our kindling ever since we saw the first glint of life from our eyes and drew our first breath. On the mountaintop we're all reaching for lies a Cross for everyone to find.

What we feel after being spiritually renewed isn't meant to be short lived. It's meant to grow in our hearts as an ongoing flame constantly fueled by the elimination of sin fueled by the Strength and Grace of Jesus.

Indeed my friends, why should the fire die?

"Where O Death is your victory, Where O Death is your sting?"

2008-04-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Fear is a complex power. It takes people ransom with its ability to hush and disguise the enemy. It guilts the soul into denying it's salvation and rips the blessing of fellowship into unrecognizable threads. It works it's subjects into a trance of conviction. It's so obviously devious and yet it sneaks into our hearts causing symptoms like doubt and anger to arise without explanation, and at it's very worst completely steals it's victims identity. Ultimately, if given into long enough, fear is death.

However.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15

The inheritance of power and love we recieve through our Holy Father grants us a new and everlasting identity. One free of all that is evil and consuming. No longer must we hide or seek shameful ways of covering that from which all suffer. For
^"10The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."John 10:10 There is no death for those in Christ Jesus. Only the promise of a burning more fulfilling and passionate life of surrender and joy.

The Divine Chase.

2007-11-08T22:57:00.000-08:00

I want to be chased. I want to be fought for. I want to be seen for what God sees. Loved for what God made. I want to be rescued and swept. I want to be told I'm enough.

I want to discover the Lord. Travel the pathways of his heart. I want to invite risk and bask in joy through redemption. I want eternity to be a learning experience instead of an instant answer. I want to be pursued by God and return the gesture. I want every single diverse piece of my heart to reflect my savior. I want to love deeply, and strengthen those around me. I want to be a fountain of light so that the world may see Him.

"Oh empty my heart, I've got to make room for this feeling
so much bigger than me."
-Imogen Heap

Get ready for it.

2007-09-14T01:10:00.001-07:00

The clouds are gone, and the air is getting thicker. The sun no longer reflects on the earth the way it used to, and even though the heat lingers, there's a change happening in the air. So much happened in between the clouds coming and going. The chemistry however, the beautiful interweaving of God and creation, is still mightily at work.

Beautiful chemistry.

2007-07-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

For the first time today I saw the clouds in the distance. Huge white puffy clouds stretching far above several layers of the atmosphere. Reflecting the pure light of the sun, they soak up its rays and in sweet romance with the air's humidity bring live giving rain to the land below. What beautiful chemistry, what fascinating science the Lord brings to the nature around us.

Are we so different from the clouds?

Take Heart.

2007-06-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

Courage, also known as bravery and fortitude, is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. It can be divided into "physical courage" — in face of physical pain, hardship, and threat of death — and "moral courage" — in the face of shame, scandal, and discouragement.
Quality of being brave: the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a chosen course of action.

Fear:an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee.)
^{Philippians 1:12-14
12}Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. ¹³As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. ¹⁴Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.

In our society, the act of being courageous is always something to be admired. In most cases it's the affirmation and faithfulness of right judgement in the face of degrading or threatening thoughts and or actions. It carries with it the virtue of fortitude, which in Isaiah 11 is further defined as firmness of mind through difficult times and circumstances. It is not just a mental action, but a physical one as well. To be fully courageous, one must in mind be sound enough to uphold God's righteousness, and in body be willing to go forth and sacrifice self-image, reputation and in some cases even physical heath to further the kingdom of God in a way that attracts and commits others to the Lord's hands. In the passage above courageousness in evangelism is inspired by Paul's willingness to further the Gospel on earth rather than joining his father in heaven, both because it will be beneficial to those who are yet unbelievers and his undeniable promise from the Lord that his time in the Kingdom will come. His commitment to Christ in turn allows others to be faithful in the same right.

Fear, otherwise known as the antonym of courage, is the tool of the enemy. It drives us to caution, makes us feel as though we must withdraw. It gives us a sense of unworthiness or insufficiency in overcoming obstacles and growing beyond our sinful nature. It can keep us from our relationship with our creator and even in some cases drive our faith in Him out of us completely. Yet, as dangerous as it is, as foreboding, terrifying and irrational as it may be to overcome it, fear itself is never as strong as the faith and fortitude that come from being courageous, especially in the name of Christ.

In fact it is through Christ and Christ only that we have this ability. If our sin is what conjures our fear and holds us from our rightful potential, then it is only truth that interceding grace from the Father allows us to become upright and holy for the significance of the kingdom. He is what allows us to become strong enough to grow away from the sin we once chose and closer to the salvation and redemption our heavenly Father desires of us. From courage a strength and ability to strive for our Lord brings us to the point of faith that allows his work to become our action. No more are we held by chains of fear but we are set free by the keys of the Lord's perfect intention.

The story of David and Goliath:1 Samuel 17

The story of David and Goliath paints a perfect picture courage through the heart of a Godly man. Fear of the Philistine army, one of the strongest ever to face Israel, has the Israelite army tied with their hands behind their backs. To further the situation, a giant among men named Goliath steps forward to taunt and intimidate the army laying a foreboding challenge of single hand to hand combat to settle the entire dispute between the two cultures. For 40 days the Israelite army lies dormant with anxiety over the challenge, until on the last day, a man named David arrives with a bushel of supplies and gifts for his brothers, who are enlisted within the Israelite army.

The significance of this arrival is marked with unlikely curiosity from the young man. David is the youngest of his brothers. He is only a Shepard. He has no reputation, no social standing, not even the physical strength to be among the men he has now found company with. He is even chastised by his own brother for simply asking questions and showing interest in the giant. Yet what David does have is a strong faith in the Lord.

David immediately recognized that this giant wasn't simply a threat to the land of Israel, but more importantly he was standing in the way of God and his chosen people. This recognition is what allows David to be open and humble to allowing the courageous virtue of God to work through him. Because of this, David is entrusted by the King to carry out the challenge and represent all of Israel.

Knowing so soundly that the Lord is indeed with him he even rejects the King's own armor for protection. He chooses simply his shepard's crook, a sling and five stones. However David knows full well that it is not what he fights with, but who he fights for. "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied."(see link above for reference.)

His weapon is the Lord. With one single stone flung with the strength of God's holy courage behind him, the giant is dead, and the Israelites are once again set free by their God. Our weapon is the same. We fight with the love of God in our hearts, to win people to the name and everlasting life of Christ, making the courage to glorify His name an act of love.

Scribbled crayon on a freshly painted wall.

2007-06-12T01:31:00.000-07:00

Walking outside after being inside for so long, I noticed the moon shining brightly overhead. The night was so clear I could almost dip my hands into the depth of space behind it. There was a clarity in that sky that seemed so definate and crisp. The stars know where they belong and they're infinately less valuable then I am to God. The moon makes its gentle steady way around the earth, staying its coarse in a way that almost mocks my effort to do the same. I can only go so long being confused and wondering where all the answers to life's questions are going to come from. A little whirlwind of confusion starts to make its way from the small little corner of my mind that breeds doubt, and before you know it a wind advisory is posted for my heart. So you sit and think " well if I have questions, the obvious thing to do is to seek answers." However, if you haven't noticed life is incredibly good at this hide and seek game it plays witht he answers you want. You count to 10, 20, 30..."OK life...here I come...!" No answer. Running you become winded, and frustrated you become tired. More questions build up and it seems like you may have been better off before the game began.

Is this really all life is composed of? Chasing after answers that are to fickle to reveal their location? Wondering what will come next and not knowing what to expect but at the same time knowing its what you want? This doesn't sound right to me. Somehow i've let all of my research and distraction tear me away from the path he's chosen. All this time of course I thought it was him keeping me in the dark. "Where are my answers God? I know you're God. Don't tell me you don't know, I know you do." So I look somewhere else. I start to look in the places it's easy to find quick answers thinking "if I can just find something of a clue here, or a piece there i'll definitely start to figure it out." Pretty soon I have so many different pieces, and I have left my heart searching in so many of the wrong places I feel lost. I thought I was building a map. But, compared to God's perfect plan it's just scribbled crayon on a freshly painted wall.
How frustrating:

I think I might be a typical 22 year old.

Oh and p.s.: Just in case you need a visual:Santaguito Eruption

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Question of the week: How are you doing?

2007-02-15T23:30:00.000-08:00

Have you ever known a sadness so real to you it was almost like you could reach out and touch it? Yet when you reach out there's nothing. Where you thought all your emotion could be placed, where you could lay it out in all its misery you find nothing but a vacant space full of unanswered questions and confusion? There's no rest here. Theres no peace. I keep telling myself to calm down, that what i'm going through will pass and that i'll get better. Problem is that the part of me that promises wellness hasn't communicated with the future that holds an answer as to when that will be. And how could they communicate? The Lord's fututre and my grievous pain speak an entirely different language. Or at least that's how it feels. I want to stand aside my body and remove all of this rediculous anguish. It haunts me like a storm growing in the distance. Looking in the other direction the skies are clear, and not only are they clear but they remind me of where I want to be and how I want things to remain. But, when I turn around I'm reminded that not only is that rain and wind building up strength, it's coming for me.

For those of you who have been wondering, this is how I feel. I lost my Grandpa last Tuesday. I don't feel like having fun, but I laugh so i'll forget how much it hurts. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, but I don't want to remember how my dad and I would laugh at the same things he did or look at life in the same way. The way he would come and listen to his favorite music with us or take us out for pie and coffee. The way different little quirks he had that would make me smile just because of the person he was. Because when I remember those things I remember that I have no idea where he went to rest. I have no answers as to what his eternity will look like.

I'm sorry if this seems strange to you. If it seems like it doesn't make sense. But if I have one more person ask how i'm doing because of this I think I might explode. I know it's because people care and because they want to know, but how do you convey so much pain in passing?
Grief and loss of this kind are something i'm not familiar with. I had no idea that unanswered pain was my greatest weekness until all of the pain became unanswered. I've never experienced something like this. And just between you and me, I hope I never have to again.

Honestly, won't someone stop this train.

2006-10-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

I don't ever remember anyone saying growing up and making your way through life's changes would be easy. In fact all my life I've heard that it's hard, something that will really test you and challenge you. In most cases however, these warnings are followed by the understanding that the pain, sweat, and tears were worth it. I'm only 21 years old and though I have maybe some experience on how to deal with the issues that have arisen in life I'm no where near a retrospective attitude that assures me it's all going to be ok. I'm hurting right now. I'm not afraid to say it either. The past month has been one of the most painful I can remember.

Last week I found out my Grandpa was dying of cancer. He's not a believer in Christ either. This fact makes my head spin, and hurt build, and confusion starts to work on my thoughts pulling my brain apart to find an answer, or an easy way of dealing with a fact that not only will my granpa die physically but there's a good chance that the death he experiences might be eternal as well. I know Christ. I know the Joy and the Light and the Comfort he brings. I know he loves me and cares for me, and that because of my faith I will eternally be with him in that love. I'm also aware that i'm full of sin on a constant basis and quite unhappy with the decisions I make or the things my mind chooses to dwell upon apart from that love. But he loves me still and i'm confident that even in my imperfection he chose to be my savior, to cover and make up for all that I cannot.

My Grandpa is dying of cancer. He must feel so hopeless. He must be in so much pain. He's suffering, and no treatment on this planet can cure him of the mutation thats numbering his days. I hate it. I wish I could just do something to help him. Anything. I hate it. Cancer makes me so angry.

Everyone just keeps telling me that this is a part of life. That sooner or later everyone dies. But not everyone dies eternally, i know that for sure. I feel so helpless and so broken. I just want to ask God for some miracle that will allow my Grandpa to be with Him so he doesn't have to hurt and wonder and feel alone. I feel like in every painful situation I've seen in the past there was some kind of beauty or hint of hope I could see even through the suffering. A small light even when the dark was overwhelming. I feel like this time I don't even know where to begin looking for those things. I'm lost in the dark. I'm lost in the dark and hopeless about it just like hi

The small answers.

2006-09-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

I really love being surrounded by nature. When I think about all the reasons i'm in love with the beauty around me i'm always confronted with how much it reminds me of God. Mountain peaks enormous, rising above the landscape like giants among the trees below. Rivers running like illuminated silk in the sun over smooth velvet stones, clouds forming in the heavens gathering rain to bring moisture and nourishment for the greens below. Wow. God's canvas is like a painting for us to discover as we allow ourselves to become more open to his creation.

God's beauty isn't solely found in nature, however. Created in the image of God, he enables us to create beauty as well. It's one of the greatest ways we can glorify him while we're on this earth. The human mind is a wealth of ideas ready to fulfill our need to be more like him. I myself find this fascinating. Do you ever look around and admire the incredible structures throughout the cities of the world? Glass and cement reaching to the sky or cathedrals that illuminate and almost seem to shout from the walls the very existance of God himself. Beautiful bridges that span across waterways, and ships that sail to the ends of the seas and back.

The funny thing is I don't think half the world realizes that this beauty and ingenuity comes from a living God alive in our soul who is willing to allow them to have a special place in the universe. A place they were created to fill. Alot of people overlook these everyay wonders and pass them off as ordinary, or mundane, like they are just another part of the day they will eventually sleep off and once well rested revisit all over again. Now i'm not saying that everywhere we go and within everything we do we should have this redicoulous sense of awe and wonder, but it would be quite amazing if the enitrety of the world understood the meaning and reason behind the drive to create and be surrounded by greatness.

As Christians I think it is our great privelege to be able to share with people why they are fearfully made to imitate and glorify a God who not only brought them into existance, but wants to love and share with them an eternity of light and perfection.
A God who allows us to partake in the ongoing beauty that will forever be Him.

The world is full of people that are waiting for the small answers that God reveals to us everyday, and I do believe by listening to and sharing what those answers may bring, we can begin to share what the life of Christ has to offer.

Sunflowers.

2006-09-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

I love to imagine and create pictures in my mind to relate to the world around me. It's the way I learn and process life, and I feel blessed to have that ability. It's probably the reason I remember my dreams after I wake up. Iv'e heard that your dreams are a way for your mind to work things out when the rest of your body is at rest. Honestly, I think this is incredibly clever of your body, since how many times do we stop where we are to rest and reflect about the events in our daily lives when we`re awake? Not even i`m good at that. Which may explain the dream I had the other night.

I`d been at Young Life the whole night around hundreds of people. Club always makes me excited since its a great outlet for me to be outgoing and basically be myself. I`ve developed some great friendships within the last half year or so, and being a leader has definately helped me grow in Christ and relize my worth in Him. After club I went to spend the night at my friend Amy's house. My friend Melanie was with me, and we talked a while, but decided we had better sleep so that breakfast with Doug wouldn't be a drowsy misfortune.

As I drifted off to sleep I found myself in this dream heading down the road alone in my car. I was far away from where I had come, and I was also pretty far from where I was headed. Being in the car that long was starting to wear on me and I started to feel a need for some companionship. I had known somehow that all my friends were back where I had left them and I would have to wait to meet back up with them once I got home. So in order for the slight lonely feeling to subside, I would just have to keep driving. Then all the sudden a large hill came up, and as I drove over it all I could see for miles was a beautiful forest of sunflowers. The sun was golden and the little sunbeams danced in contrast to the rich emerald grass and leaves that found their way gracefully among the yellow petals. It was amazing. So amazing in fact I got out of my car and started to walk through the flowers, just taking in the beauty.

As I walked further I noticed a small group of people standing off to the distance. When I came closer they welcomed and engaged me and spoke to me about how I was and where I had come from, where I was going. We laughed like we had always known eachother and it felt so warm and fulfilling. Just like it was where I was always meant to be.

I woke up after that, but the warm feeling I had in my heart was so alive that i could have cried. The dream is still incredibly vivid in my mind, and it reminds me whenever I think about it, that no matter where you are, where you come from, or what you are working towards, there is a God who is fully loving and ready to fulfill your heart with a sense of belonging within Him. Our fears of lonliness and frustration subside simply when we take time to stop and admire the beauty which is his heart and accept that beauty as what he intendes for our lives to look like. I hope I never forget this dream. It's a peaceful yet, vivid reminder that no matter where I am, as long as I follow Christ I am where i'm meant to be.

Carried to the table.

2006-06-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

Written 6/2/06
Today I was watching a sparrow at my feet while I enjoyed my coffee. The sparrow was pecking at the ground looking for scaps and crumbs to eat. I had just finished my pastry and there were a considerable amount of crumbs left over on top of the bag I was eating from. I poured over onto the sidewalk the leftover crumbs. As soon as I did this, a breeze came up and landed the crumbs right at my feet. My Grandpa pointed out quickly that the crumbs had fallen much too close to me and that the bird would probably be too afraid to accept my gesture.

I read once that a bird needed to eat twice it's body weight daily to maintain survival. It seemed to me to be alot of food to consume in one day. Maybe my crumbs would help a little. My intentions were nothing more than to help the little thing, however im sure in it's little birdie mind all it could comprehend was that I was large and threatening. Just sitting there ready to pounce on it's little body like prey. It didn't matter that I had something valuable to offer.

Just in front of me was a large brick pillar, and everytime he would dart in for a bite he would swiftly retreat back to the pillar. So afraid, his little body focusing only on getting the food, and then backing away from impending doom. Not once did he ever approach with the trustworthy notion he had more than enough room to assume. He spent most of the time against the pillar, where no crumbs had fallen and no sign of food was present. The space itself was dark and cold, and there I was full of life ready to provide him with with at least a third of his daily allowance. .

Daily we are asked to come to the feet of Jesus to reap the benefits of His unconditional love, sacaficing our fear and mistrust in order to more readily accept these gifts and make of them a light and example of His glory to the rest of the world. Yet we are held back by our insecurities: we become not good enough, not sufficient, too far gone, unworthy, mistrusting, sad, angry, miserable...the list goes on.

Sin populates our capacity to trust in what God has planned for us. As this population grows we become more and more leary of taking advantage and saying yes to God until we feel like he's out of reach or out of touch with our lives. After Christ's death on the cross, the curtain in the temple that separated the holy from the unworthy was torn. No longer was there a barrier between God and man. The wall of sin was broken down.

That wall represents every insecurity we hold up in front of ourselves as an excuse not to serve and follow him. By accepting his death, we rids us of all shortcomings, allowing us to abundantly draw from the feet of Jesus all the tools and blessings he gives on a daily basis in order to meet our needs, not only for ourselves, but for others and most importantly for the glory of God.

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom."Luke 12:32. We are his flock and it is his will that we take his hand, rest at his feet and sacrafice everything we have in order to inherit His kingdom.

The cooprative puzzle.

2006-06-25T15:14:00.000-07:00

Written: 5/17/06
I was thinking the other day how hard life can be when it feels like we can't relate to the people around us. Since we need cooperation between people to go about our daily lives, a constant stuggle arises on how to agree and compromise upon things to make them happen. In some instances this can make conversation, social funcions and even life altogether a bit difficult to say the least. I believe that even though this can sometimes make our world interesting, it is also a huge cause of stress.

Just think about your day today. How many descisions did you have to make? What went through your mind as you processesd solutions or answers to questions. Were others taken into account? Did you stop and pray about the things you were unsure about or had no answer too?

Alot of our life is composed of these little distractions that build up until we become frustrated and we're no longer able to use a compassionate manner in dealing with them because we're worn and tired.

So where does God come into the picture? How do we involve him in the way he intends to be a part of our lives? Do you think in heaven anyone has this kind of problem? I don't think so. I think this is because in heaven there's no need to wonder or ask about what should come next, or what needs to be done. This is due to the fact that in Heaven, everything without question is done for the complete glory and pleasure of God. Not one single thing is done for any other reason. His perfect will is apprent at all times. So why is it that we should be any different? Obviously in heaven things are perfect. The complete opposite from where we live.

Boundaries have to be set in order to allow for personal space to be respected, and manners have to be instituted to make sure we don't hurt our fellow brothers and sisters or offend them by our behavior. But that's here, not heaven. As stewards of Christ's love in action are we not to make ourselves seperate from what the world dictates as acceptable?

"Therefore I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercies to offer you bodies as a living sacrafice, holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good pleasing, and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2.

We are to remind ourselves of what we're here for by constantly remembering the transition and renewal we received by accepting Christ. When we are constantly reminded of this purpose it becomes apparent what we are to set our goals upon: Christ's perfect will for not only our lives but also for those around us. Now i'm not saying that the differences we have are a bad thing or that we should just all try to agree with eachother like lemmings and never have our own opinion. Indeed God instills special gifts and talents in all of us in order that we may serve him as pieces of a puzzle that come together to glorify His word and name.

Yet how many puzzle pieces have you known to argue about their place or try to change thier shape in order to fit somewhere else in the picture? None. That's because they are specifically made to fit in that very space everytime the puzzle comes together. And without it, the puzzle is unfinished. "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. 5There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 6There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.7Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good." 1 Cor 12:4-7.

All of us are called to come forward with our specific gifts and add to God's plan what we are intended to fulfill. This means giving up our selfish ambition and giving our lives over to Jesus so that they may run in sync with his holy plan.

Captivated.

2006-06-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Written: 4/24/06
Lately it has become apparent that alot of my prayers have been answered in great abundance. About 6 months ago or so, I went through a phase where I had become kind of lonely, listening to some of the lies in my head telling me I was alone and that there was a couple of heavy burdens weighting over me that I more than deserved, both of which I had felt were brought upon out of my own doing. I began to tell myself that this was as good as my life was going to get, without any good friends or spiritual fellowship I would have to just trust God and make the best of the cards that had been dealt to me.

After a while though, as anyone would tell you who has gone through the same things, I became weary, wondering if this really was what God had intended. It became apparent to me that I wasn't even asking God to relieve the stress that had fallen on me, and I had almost forgotten how he desires to be a part of my life and love me unconditionally, whether I deserved it or not.

As I began praying for this relief along with a more fulfilling fellowship with other followers of Christ, I became friends with Danielle Cullers, a freshman who had been home schooled, and was now daily riding the shuttle with me from ASU West to Main. Throughout the semester we became better friends, and as she began to re-introduce me to some of her friends that also took the shuttle, some of which I had met previously through another friend of mine.

She had been trying to encourage me to attend a women's bible study that her church was organizing, and I had been hesitant since I didn't know any of the girls and I wasn't sure that I would have time for that kind of commitment. After a while though she convinced me and I decided to go. The study turned out to be pretty good, and I saw some of the girls that I already knew from the bus or through my other friends. I started to regularly attend and become pretty good friends with the group of people associated with the study, and when we started a new semester with the book captivating, I knew I had found my place.

The book itself is amazing, and if you are a girl searcing for your place in Christ or even a man wishing to know more about a womans heart placed in the image of God I encourage you to read it. These girls were honest with their feelings and struggles within their spiritual lives, and helped me to feel more honest with myself and my own struggles.

God was answering my prayers and placing me within a fellowship where I could glorify Him, and understand myself better as a woman in Christ, and not just a lonely girl in college. That loneliness was simply a tool of the enemy who wanted nothing more than for me to become so lonely that indeed I forgot about the love of Christ and took everything into my own control to make sure I wouldn't be hurt again.

I learned that nothing is too big for him and that his love is bigger and more abundant than any sin I can inflict upon myself. I also learned that sometimes it's ok to be alone in wonder with God as long as you don't lose sight of him and are lovingly heald accountable for that relationship through other Christians. It is amazing how much understanding and forgiveness you feel once you give your life up to Him and devote yourself to prayer when those feeling of lonliness and unworthiness start to re-enter your mind.

I would like to sincerely thank the girls of this study who have helped me to remember a loving God who wishes to eternally romance me and enrich my heart. Since this study life has become a quiet joy to live constantly endearing and satisfying, knowing that God is indeed captivating my heart and making my daily routine a part of his gigantic and perfect will. Thank you girls, and Thank you God, it means so much more than you can imagine.